Hiatus~ Finally a new update!

after slacking for around 3 months, it's finally time for a new post!

been pretty slack recently. everyday is about swimming and gymming and finding random short term jobs. this includes sitting at carparks for hours watching cars that goes by, conducting games for a family day, being a high class bangla for a day and selling laptops at NUS again.

selling laptops usually pay quite well, but as usual, conflicts are inevitable. wether it's misunderstandings or because people tend to have preconceived notions about one another, somehow things get ugly when it comes down to money especially if you don't know each other well enough. i think this time it was epsecially bad because half of the people were actually friends which naturally caused them to form 1 clique. it was only normal for the rest of us to form the other clique. oh whatever, it's not like we are going to see those barbaric people again. if they want to think badly of us, it's only because they don't even know us.

FOC is just around the corner and it's time for us to make our final preparations. need to gather even more manpower, settle our logistic needs and reallocate manpower. i really hope we manage to pull the monster hunt and mini o's off. we've put in many months of hard work for this. and freshie girls, please don't hate me if you think i've made it too scary. haha.

alrite that's all for now. cya!

Holidays! Reigning free

after months of suffering especially the period where the only meaning in life was to study for exams, it's finally the holidays!

well, i don't have any exciting plans to go overseas and i'll probably find a job. but the change of pace is much needed. i finally have time to sit down at starbucks and just chit chat with my friends and watch people walk by. for some reason, it's so crowded everywhere even on weekdays. isn't it the exam period for secondary school students? how come they are so free to go to town or gym or swim? it gets pretty uncomfortable when it's too crowded.

the weather this week has also been pretty downcast and gloomy. why is that the case during holidays? during the exam period it was scorching hot and it was impossible to make it to SRC for exams and stay dry. now, it's either raining or so cloudy, you know the rain is coming soon. hopefully the weather gets better over the next few days. i mean, there's only so much rain in the clouds right?

alright, that's all i have to say for now. until next time, cya!

Preparation: One week to exams!

yea, it's been a while since the last post but i've been pretty overwhelmed by school and stuff (as always). it's near the end of my 2nd semester here at ntu which means exams are around the corner!

i've been feeling pretty down for the past few days because i was thinking of stuff and don't really feel very confident for this semester (which sucks because things will only get harder). i don't really know why. i've been studying and really trying but my results don't seem to be showing it and all my group projects and written assignments are getting mediocre grades. i really don't know how i will do for the finals and i'm trying my best here to stay sane.

i think i might have turned into a real geek (is there such a thing as a stupid geek?) because i actually started feeling better when i started studying for OB. besides talking about organizational structure and team building, OB talks quite a bit about individuals' personality, emotions, motivations and perceptions and such. it made me realize i have been a little fatalistic recently. i decided i need create opportunities and outcomes for myself. sometimes it's worth taking a risk when what you might lose is little compared to what you might stand to gain.

haha. maybe i've really gone mad from mugging.

oh! and i've found my new favourite taiwan variety show (not exactly at the best of times. but well, need to stay sane amidst the mugging). it's 大學生了沒! i think the topics they discuss are pretty interesting and it really give perspective from people around my age. and it's not too gossipy like some other shows (shan't mention names in order not to be flamed by the fans)

alright, i better sleep early so i can wake up early and continue mugging (i'm going to use the textbook which i bought for $10. hahaha. that's another story i'm too lazy to tell.). hope i can keep the optimism up and go all out. cya!

Cogitating : Time simply flies by...

ok, i must apologize about the post that was supposed to precede this one but i really got carried away with the flow of things.

alright, you might be wondering what i was talking about. but of course i was talking about SP! yea, the rehearsals and dance practices were really tough but in the end we put up a good show! (at least in my humble opinion) i really enjoyed the time spent with the rest of the cast and crew. how many opportunities do you get to sit on the back of a lorry singing "i want it that way" at the top of your lungs with people you enjoy being with on the expressway and banglas on the next lorry are staring at you. some moments in life are just priceless.

honestly speaking i can never look at these people the same way again after seeing how crazy they can get when they are drunk. haha. i had a great time and i hope the rest felt the same way too. look foward to hanging out with them again (maybe after exams since all of us will be busy mugging the next few weeks.) joshua! you still owe me mac breakfast!

today has also been very entertaining by itself. woke up early for the 3km run in ntu today. i think it's a really long story that can only be fully narrated over a cup of coffee but the main point is that kahmin did something totally malu and we all know it.

it has been quite a mentally taxing week. it was e-learning week but i had a big AA102 quiz on wednesday so i was mugging hard for it. i really needed to take a break after that because i was really drained. so i have to spend my weekend watching e-lectures, doing tutorials. ok la, at least i got to go chill out a little just now.

after a few HTHT sessions recently i think my mood has definitely improved. (just don't remind me of the can 13 auntie with horrendous attitude problem. totally incorrigible.) i realized i need to start figuring out what i really want. i shouldn't just look ahead at what i'm aiming at but also remember to grab hold of what i have now. sound very profound right? haha. i just made that up a minute ago.

okok, got to go now. i'll leave you with the song that is really stuck in my head now. cya!

Reminiscence : Thinking back...

so much has happened in the past 2 weeks but today i really felt like all the time i've spent is really worth it...full post tomorrow...

Perseverance! 4 Day War.

well, all thanks to the CNY holidays, all my lectures and tutorials have been pushed into the remaining days of the week. yes, that included the 45 minute econs tutorial that totally wasted my saturday morning. and the next 4 days are not going to get much better.

i've got stats tutorial on monday, econs and accounting tutorials with quizes (total weightage for the modules of, like what, 5%? 10%? that's quite significant) back to back on tuesday and the HO closing which includes the dance competition. i have practically only tomorrow to rush through all my tutorials and study for the double quiz. not to mention the dance practice that will probably be happening for the next few nights. hopefully it doesn't go into 3+am every night because i really can't survive with less than 4 hours of sleep a night. no, in fact i'm going to make it a point to leave early if they are going to drag on and on. anyway i'm only dancing a small part. no point making myself so wasted and not be able to do anything at all. (including dance the next day) you could say, live to fight another day?

it's going to take a lot of mental strength to survive the next 4 days...thank God i managed to finish all my OB stuff today. that includes the CT assignment AND motivation rating due on monday AND the teamwork assessment rubric due on tuesday. like wth? my whole day was burnt watching the econs lecture and submitting all my OB assignments.

perhaps it's time to get a new phone. the price for one of the phones i've been eyeing has finally dropped and my broken phone has some metal part which sticks out which i think will damage the pockets in my berms and jeans soon. the only thing i'm worried about is the shop refusing to accept my phone for trade-in because the exterior is broken (and it's pretty obvious). hmm...after that i'd be quite broke. i still haven't figured out wether i can get a job in the looooong break after my exams because we still have to plan for the FOC and prepare for senior camp and the actual camp. oh yes, that reminds me, i need to call the lady from SLA soon. oh no but i'm going to busy till after wednesday....

oh and i went down to the phiten shop at tampines one yesterday. the service was really bad. i remember seeing 2 different models for bracelets on their website (the singapore official distributor's site) but there was only 1 at the store. so i asked the shop assistant and he simply insisted there's only 1 model. ok, never mind, i refuse to argue with him. so i continued looking but obviously the guy had no intention of recommending any other products or do any form of sales at all, i got fed up and just walked out. maybe i'll give it one more chance if i have the time to drop by marina square. well, that definitely won't be this weekend.

maybe it's just me or are people nowadays having worse and worse attitude? is there some attitude problem epidemic or something? just the other day i was at the gym in school and i was resting between sets. this guy came over and wanted to borrow the weights i was using. his tone didn't sound very polite but i said ok. then when i finished up my last set, i told him i was done and he could have the weights and he just kind of grunted. annoying guy. and he was wearing a singlet even though the rule at the gym explicitly said sleeved tees only. some people just don't know how to read simple english.

oh man, got to beat the stress.....i have absolutely no free time for myself. it's either studying, doing tutorials or doing something for hall. hall, hall, hall. i spend so much time, put in so much effort for hall. for what? i don't really feel appreciated and i don't see my efforts paying off in any way and i still feel excluded at times. sometimes i wonder to myself if it's worth the effort. i don't mind contributing but somehow i only see myself giving? i don't even know if people actually see me as a teammate. yea maybe i'm not good enough and pretty redundant but hey at least i make an effort to turn up for trainings and such? am i asking for too much? bah, who am i kidding. they probably wouldn't care even if i wasn't there.

time to sleep so i can wake up earlier tomorrow and try to finish at least all my tutorials by the afternoon. tsk. bye.

Justice: Distributive, procedural or interactional? How about non-existent?

the second day if CNY is already over and honestly it's really uneventful. i mean, i didn't even expect much in the first place but this really...bleh.

alright, on cny eve went for reunion dinner. went home. watched sunadokei (a.k.a sand chronicles), which was recommended by shuyi, on mio tv. yesterday was the 1st day of CNY which also happened to be valentines day this year. not much difference since i don't have anyone to go out with anyway. quite a few relatives came over in the day and we went out to visit a few in the evening. nobody came to my place today and i went out to like 3 relatives' place in the late afternoon till late. really boring. no cards, no mahjong, no nothing but diabetic drinks and some snacks to go along. and our plans originally to visit xueling's house tomorrow apparently has been cancelled due to the non-response from the rest of the crew. bleh~ guess i'll hit the gym or go shopping or something.

since there wasn't much happening, i spent quite a bit of time watching Kamen Rider Hibiki. it's the series from '05 - '06, after Blade and before Kabuto. you could say it's the "missing series" because central/okto decided to totally skip the series so the mainstream audience here won't really know about it. i've heard a lot about it being very different from the typical kamen rider series and after finally watching it i would agree. it's not something the masses, especially the kids who watch "super hero time", would be able to appreciate. however, i personally find that it has a very unique flavour and could be one of the most underrated kamen rider series. honestly i think kiva and kabuto was a little overrated. i think the design of the riders and the cast are better than many recent series, especially when it comes to the casting of female characters. i mean, akiko from W really makes too much noise and going around hitting people with her cheap green slippers isn't going to score her any extra brownie points. and it's also nice to have a more mature kamen rider rather than all those pretty boys (are they, really?) who look like they'll break like twigs. (*ahem* wataru. *ahem* ryoutarou). it kinda sucks to be saved by the likes of those riders. it's quite a shame the production team was replaced halfway. i'm not sure about the new direction since i haven't gotten that far. well, i doubt we'll be getting such a different experience from kamen riders in the near future since toy sales weren't that good, probably due to kids not really getting the story. and, trust me, toy sales is pretty much what they're concerned with. i'm really tempted to hunt down the S.I.C hibiki (Vol. 32. Hibiki/Armed Hibiki) but it's pretty old and hard to find. (which reminds me, there hasn't been that many updates for my side project. well, i'll get back to it once my printer has colour ink again so i can produce more props.)

ah, it sucks to have to use a broken phone. i mean it still works, but it's broken. i always take care of belongings to make sure they are in a good condition but it happens that when i lend people my stuff, they tend to come back spoilt. quite often. i remember my external hard disk and various other occassions caused by various people. not only does it suck to use a broken phone, since the damage is external, i don't even know if i can still trade in my phone when i get a new phone. major bummer. the net realizable value of my phone has practically dropped from $200 to $0. shit happens.

since i'm on that note, it seems shitty things don't come alone. well...it's this and that. various things that don't seem to go my way. i'm just constantly being reminded that my efforts tend to be wasted. and somehow, more often than not, i'm feeling very excluded. especially since i see strong bonds being formed by people around me. it's really complicated when people you want to bond with are kind of mixed up with people you don't really want to (i.e. people you don't like). and sometimes it's just total exclusion. or you're only included so you can be made to do something that has to be done but the rest of the people don't want to. which is worse? i don't really know. but, anyway, i'm in all of the above situations. it just feels like everything is so superficial, nothing is real. i'm just the one who's just there when it's convenient but just some extra person when i'm not needed. i don't really know what's the problem. am i being too easy? am i too difficult to get along with? maybe it's just my weak nature and being too easy to manipulate. i feel like a plastic fork. use it when you need it, throw it away when you're done. yeah, most of the time i just play along because i stupidly believe in other people too easily. i guess it's true, "you can't be so trusting in a world like this." the lines from my script suddenly has a resounding truth to it.

maybe this explains my singlehood for the past 21 (coming 22) years. my weak nature and lack of character. i'm just too "average". and i guess i'm too picky for my own good and not brave enough to make it happen when i finally find one. maybe my interests are too obscure and the things i'm good at aren't really appreciated and i don't any chances to show them off either. it may not even be worth anything when compared to others in the first place. i can't help it but things around me keep reminding me of my weaknesses and a shroud of inferiority looms over me. sometimes i try to forget about all the negative thoughts by only focusing on the positive things but inevitably, they tend to come back and bite me in the ass from time to time. and when they bite, they bite back hard. whiny guys who tend to emo once in a while, wallowing in self-pity don't really appeal to most girls i guess.

hmm...kind of out of topic, i've been thinking of getting something from phiten cause it supposedly helps in muscle recovery. but i don't really like the sports necklace. maybe i'll get a bracelet or something. i'll probably drop by the store at marina square to check out some of the products.

oh well, i guess in this post there was some sort of explanation of why i'm kinda moody lately. i can't really help it. it's tough to coax myself into feeling happy when i'm being bogged down by so many insecurities and troubles at once. each time i go to bed hoping that they will go away in the morning. but they don't. well, it's time for me to try it again. so...good night. until next time...